October 27, 2018

I Will feel

I remember the early days, months and the first few years after losing my son. I didn't know what to do with all the pain and confusion, the new emotions that were a constant in my heart. Having never experienced anything so horrible, how could I figure out what to do and then try to deal according to how the emotions came, when they came and where they came?

How they came was like a held back flood, then the dam breaks. I remember one day stomping my feet and screaming, “No, No, No!” I hated the separation and wanted to change all that had happened. Go back in time. But I couldn’t.

When they came was random. Like standing in the grocery store and picking up chocolate marshmallow ice cream (your favorite) then remembering you are not here anymore to enjoy it. Not a good sight.

Where they came was a guess. I could never anticipate a trigger of those horrible emotions. I remember seeing someone with your likeness, so much it was uncanny, and I couldn’t take my eyes off him. I’m sure he thought I was weird but I kept staring. Then I lost it. I just wanted you.

Although for the first few years I wanted these awful feelings to go away, at some point something changed. I wanted to feel them. Strange, I know. After asking God for years to take them away, now I’m asking to let me keep feeling them, let them stay.

As I was reading in Lamentations 3 this morning from a version I’d never read it from before, I thought how much like grief these down and up words are.  

          “Grievous thoughts of affliction and wandering plagued my mind – great bitterness
            and gall. Grieving, my soul thinks back; these thoughts cripple, and I sink down. 
            Gaining hope, I remember and wait for this thought: How enduring is God’s loyal love;
            the Eternal has inexhaustible compassion. Here they are, every morning, new! Your faithfulness
            God, is as broad as the day. Have courage, for the Eternal is all that I will need. My soul boasts,
            ‘Hope in God; just wait.’”

When I sink down into the lowest, deepest depths, then I can have hope and remember God’s great love and mercies.
He has all I (we) need. 

So, I will feel and keep feeling because it is then that I see all the ways the Lord has helped me through and is leading me to keep looking up, having courage and depending on Him, and go out to help someone else  who is trying to reconcile all the different emotions running through their hearts and souls.

HANG ON!

In this crazy time that we live in, I have met and known many people who are struggling. Their struggles are life altering. Some are in depression and despair. Others have problems that seem unsolvable. And there are those just battling to keep their life together. Whether it’s physical, mental, emotional, financial or whatever, we all have needs and some are greater than others.

I think of many of the Psalms that were written from David’s sufferings. I think of Paul in the New Testament who endured horrible conditions, situations and a “thorn” he wanted rid of.

Both men knew from where their strength came. Even though Paul’s thorn was not taken away, and David continued throughout his life to write from his sufferings, they both praised and worshipped their Savior.

I have found in my own loss the Lord’s comfort and peace. Although my situation can’t be changed, He has blessed me beyond measure. Even though there are times when I feel depressed and long for things to be different, I know they cannot, so I keep hanging on to my faith and my God.

Right after Jesus cleared out the people selling in the temple, He made the statement that His house would be a house of prayer. The religious leaders were trying to kill Him but they “could not find a way to do it.” Why? Because “All the people stayed close to Him and were hanging on to every word He said” (Luke 19:48)

Although your earthly future may not look good, if you are a child of the King, you know how your future will turn out. It is glorious beyond comprehension. In the meantime, don’t lose heart but hang on to Jesus and His words. Trust Him that He holds your life in His hands and He is always working on your behalf. Stay close to Him and pour out your heart. He hears, He knows, He’s real and He is your living Savior.

Hang on! Keep faithful. God is with you and He is for you.

My Momma

She's a little lady, my mom, about five feet two inches and 125 pounds, (sorry for telling your weight), red headed and full of life. she grew up in Maryville, went to Everett High school and then to Carson Newman where she met my dad. It was her red hair that attracted him at first. She graduated with a degree in Home Economics. I'm sure her good cooking, first taught by her mother and then skills learned at school, also lured my dad in.


From as far back as I can remember, my mom was always busy, never idle. As a matter of fact, my two sisters and I have a joke about how we cannot sit down because we think we have to be doing something productive. Even if we do sit down, there needs to be something to work on while we sit. That idea is ingrained in us.


I never heard her take issue with anything my dad wanted to do; like where to vacation; how their house was to be built; even small things like where to go eat. She always considered his ideas above her own (we girls didn't get that trait). Mom and dad have hiked thousands of recorded miles in the Smokies and all over the United States.


When I was in kindergarten and for the next several years, she owned and operated a day care. She would leave at 6:30am, come home at lunch to prepare our four course, homemade dinner with food she had canned or frozen during the summer, go back to work until 6:30pm. Then she would heat up our delicious meal. After the daycare, she went back to school to be certified to teach reading where she taught for years in the county system. Being a seamstress, she made most of our clothes and even now keeps sewing projects going. Her paintings reveal that she is also an artist. Her creativity has kept her busy and also instilled in us girls that same desire.


Growing up, we camped all over the United States. I remember dad and us girls having fun while mom continued to cook us great meals and keep everything together. Not that she didn't enjoy those times, because she did, it was just her way. A good woman travels across the US in a pop-up camper with three whiney girls!


I've watched her involvement at church, helping and contributing to her church family to this day. Our parents had us there every Sunday and Wednesday and everything in between. Our whole life we watched her be considerate of others, helping the needy, forgiving, loving and caring. We learned from example.


As I look back, I see the strength that she has had her whole life. I didn't appreciate some of their parenting ways until I became a parent myself. My mom cares deeply for her children, her grandchildren, and her great grandchild without partiality. And when her parents were unable to care for themselves, she cared for them. She remains a faithful and loving wife who is now caring for her love of 63 years.


I could go on and on about my amazing mother but I think Proverbs 31 sums it all up. She is ALL that it says and I want to thank and honor her on this mother's day for loving God, her parents, her husband, her children,  her grandchildren, and her great grandchild.
"Her children rise up and call her blessed (happy, prosperous, to be admired); Her husband also, and he praises her."
Proverbs 31:28


Happy Mother's Day, Momma. I love you!

Ninth Year: A Tribute To Fishermen

I started out writing about our journey over the last nine years in the loss of our son. Things like what we have been through, how we have endured, where we are now, but as I sat at my desk looking at the picture staring back at me of my son holding a huge bass, my thought process changed. What would Gary want me to write about on this 9th anniversary of his home going? I knew the answer right away:  Fishermen


Oh how our son loved to fish! It all started when Ed took him to a pond at a very young age where he caught a mega bass. He was hooked - pun intended. Seemed like no matter where he fished, he always caught something. When he was still in elementary school, he had permission to fish a small pond behind our house. It took about five minutes and out came a 10lb.+ catfish! I have a great memory from that day and pictures to prove it's not just a fish tale.


I'm so thankful that we have so many good memories of our son. What a blessing that is to us when we reminisce. One of the things Ed said he missed most about Gary was hearing his dramatic hunting and fishing stories. His enthusiasm was catching.


How proud and excited Gary would be to fish in a tournament like the very one in his memory. The first tournament in 2009, was  less than three months after his passing. There were 131 boats, around 260 fishermen who came to support his memory. The sight of them meant more to us than they will ever realize and brings tears to my eyes even now. The tournaments since have been tremendous because of  their support.. The word "support" in the dictionary can mean to give help or assistance; to show that you agree or approve; to promote a cause; even to comfort. But my favorite part of this word derives from a synonym: Champion. During the three day search for our son, there were fishermen, Gary's friends and acquaintances who were out in their boats using depth finders to help with the search. I have such a special place in my heart for fishermen. Champions in my eyes.


Jesus loves fishermen. He handpicked four to be His disciples, three of whom were closest to Him: Peter, James and John. Andrew was also a fisherman. He was continually bringing others to Jesus. Jesus related to these guys in fishing terms: "I will make you fishers of men" (Matthew 4:19). The parable of the net (Matthew 13:47-52).  In Matthew 17:24-27, Jesus had Peter go fishing for the temple tax where he found the necessary coin in the mouth of the first fish he caught. After Jesus Resurrection, there was a miraculous catch of fish, then breakfast of fish. At times, Jesus taught from standing in the fishermen's boat. Yes, I believe Jesus has a special place in His heart for fishermen. He used these fishing illustrations and visuals in ways they could understand and know Him better. It is a wise and brave fisherman who launches their boat out into the waters of faith for Jesus' sake.


We love and miss our fisherman more than words can express. We know we will see him again because Jesus promised that, and "The yes to all of God's promises is in Christ" (2 Corinthians 1:20 ERV). So this is a comfort to us. Still, it doesn't take the pain away from the here and now. The longing for his presence, his voice, his laughter, his smell, and just to have a simple conversation with him is at times overwhelming. 


Being in the fishing world there are just some things you know: The waters may not always be smooth - storms will arise. When they do, your Anchor is Jesus. If He is in your boat, you can endure the storm. You will have a safe landing whether it be here on earth or finally in heaven. You can't lose either way. Thank you Jesus for fishermen.

THE UNIVERSAL QUESTION OF WHY?

Some events that happen in life are hard to comprehend why God would allow them. Why do bad things happen to good people? Why does a good God allow tragedies? If you are a Christian, you know the answer goes back to Genesis where our first parents chose to disobey God rather than do what He said. Hence - sin entered the world and there has been chaos ever since. God never meant for us to have to suffer and struggle and have trials and hardships. We chose that over fellowship with Him. When He created, everything He created was good. So God is not to blame. However, we still have the question of why he allows tragedies. He is sovereign and could prevent them. I always think of Job in the Bible and all he endured, yet, he came to a realization of who God is rather than understanding his circumstances.


This question of why was asked by me to God: "Why did You allow this tragedy in our life when You could have prevented it? Why would You take our only son? Why bring sorrow and hurt and pain? Why us?"


I will admit, (and I am being very transparent here), in my great grief and hurt, I contemplated giving up on the Christian life. If this is how it turns out, did I still want to hold on to God or turn my back on Him? How arrogant of me to think this way. But, great grief causes thoughts never before known; questions never before formed; actions never before anticipated. And.....the wrestling begins. This consistent on-going mentality can be pure torture. It's exhausting and at the same time is demanding answers. Answers I didn't have but desperately wanted.


In John 6:53-39, Jesus had just given a hard teaching that those listening were struggling to comprehend. Even some of His disciples thought it too much to take in and in the verses following we find they gave up on Him. "From this time many of his disciples turned back and no longer followed him."


This is scary to me. What is life without Jesus? What's the point of anything without Him? Jesus asked His disciples if they too were going to leave and turn their backs on Him? "Simon Peter answered Him, 'Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We have come to believe and to know that you are the Holy One of God'" (verse 68-69).


This became my realization too. There is no other way. I do love Jesus more than I can confess, and that love compels me to work it out in my life. I had to wrestle with my own mind and heart to get to this place but I didn't do it alone. I had God's Word before me, His Spirit guiding me and a growing faith. The Lord allowed me, sent me, to a desperate place to learn to rely on Him and depend solely on Him. Sometimes I have to keep reminding myself of this when the weight of grief crushes. Jesus gives the gift of peace. Calm in the chaos. Our faith grows stronger when we turn to God and we become more than conquerors through Him (Romans 8:37).


No one, not even God said life would be easy. Jesus said, "In the world you have tribulation and distress and suffering, but be courageous, I have overcome the world" (John 16:33 Amp).


Maybe instead of me asking "why me?" I should say, "why not me?" And why would a good God love and care for me? I thank Him for His grace, love and mercy and for not turning His back on me!


Just so you know, I never got my questions answered. Somehow, the need to have them answered is not as strong anymore but the yearning to shout to the world what a good, compassionate and loving God we have seems to have overtaken that need.

To Laugh Again

Last night while at church, I talked to a lady friend who has recently lost her adult son to cancer. She is struggling and understandably so. There were two of us talking with her. The other lady comforting our friend, has lost an adult daughter to cancer. We sat and identified with the others grief and listened to the way we each handled the process.


The other lady keeps busy and involves herself with activities and being around other people. She does this to keep her mind and heart from slipping into self-pity. This is also how my husband deals with his grief. I, on the other hand prefer to be alone, busy, but with my thoughts protected from the outside world. Our friend is just trying to work through all the new and different, (foreign, if you will), emotions and feelings.


The point here is that everyone grieves differently and that is okay as long as it is physically and mentally sound, not hurtful to yourself or others. Yes, I'm saying there is a proper way to grieve. This is how I have found my way: God "is my rock of strength, my refuge is in God. Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before Him. God is a refuge for us" (Psalms 62:7-8).


Our friend made the comment that one day she would be at the place we are, but for now she was having a hard time. I think back on myself at the place where she is now. I didn't want anyone telling me it would get better. I couldn't even conceive it. I felt that it was not even right to feel better.


We never "get over" losing a child. We are never free from our loss and we don't want to be. Time really doesn't heal completely. Time helps you learn how to live with your loss. Time brings joy back into your life. Time permits you to think on the good memories instead of focusing so much on the event of death. Time does do a very good work if we allow it to.


I remember the first time I laughed out loud after Gary's passing. God used my little Jack Russell to make me laugh again. It had been so long since I had heard myself laugh, that the sound of my laughter startled me.  My first thought was, Does Gary hear me laughing? Is he okay with that?


Coming back to life after such a great loss is not disrespectful to those who have gone before us. I believe they are waiting for us to. I'm thankful my son hasn't been sitting around in heaven grieving for us like we have for him. He would want us to be happy and to look forward to the day when we will be reunited again.


Let me encourage someone today who is wondering if they will ever find joy and laughter again; even if you're not ready to except it. God will help you through. Pour out your heart to Him and let Him bring you back to life in His time and in His way.

Crossing The Bridge

This week, on my way to Madisonville, I had to travel across "the bridge" in Vonore. As other times, I am always subdued, always looking down in the water, wondering, questioning, thoughtful. What happened that my son fell out of his boat here? As I started across, the song Jesus, I Believe was playing on the radio. I had written a portion of the lyrics from that song the day before on my Facebook and in my journal. At that moment, the exact words were being sung: "I'm standing on Your promises, I know Your Word is true. You're bigger than what I see, It's You in exchange for me. Even the impossible is Your reality. Jesus, I believe."




Other events have occurred while driving across the bridge. We call them "God Things." I think God is letting us know that He is aware and always with us. Coincidence? No. Christians have no coincidences.




Where would I be now, almost nine years later, had I not believed His Word and stood on God's promises? Losing a child, and in our case, an only child, is a hard test of faith. What if I had chosen to give up on God because life was being unfair and I knew God could have prevented the accident?


I shudder to think of the spiritual state of mind and heart I could be in had I walked away from God. I would be bitter, angry and resentful, always holding a grudge against God. I would be in self-pity, a "woe is me" attitude. That is how I am very capable of being.




But God has graced us with strength to get out of bed everyday and keep going. He has comforted us in ways that are supernatural and are hard to explain. He has set in our hearts a compulsion to help others through the books He allowed me to write, through the fishing tournament and speaking engagements. God has done all this! Philippians 1:12 says, "What has happened to me has actually served to advance the gospel."




There are paradoxes in the Christian faith: In sorrow, we find joy (2 Cor. 6:10); loss is gain (Phil. 3:8); spiritual blessings come by way of trials (James 1:2); losing our life for Christ's sake in order to find real life (Matt: 10:39); when I am weak, then I am strong, (2 Cor.12:10).


 Don't misunderstand me: I'm not saying it was good to lose our son - NEVER!  We want our son. We miss our son more than we can express in words. Death is part of the curse from sin. I hate death. Death has caused us more heartache and anguish of soul than could be imagined. It has been extremely hard on us. But why did spiritual blessings have to come through death? Was there no other way? I will never know. I do know this: Sorrow given to God, inspires us, even drives us to ministry. Sorrow has deepened our thoughts and our souls by allowing God to work in it and through it.




The lyrics from the song remind us that God is bigger than what we see and He sees the whole picture from beginning to end. There is purpose in afflictions and that is a stark reality.


Life is all about Jesus, not about us. It is "Him in exchange for me." His promises and Word is true. I take hold of the promise that says, because Christ lives, we also will live, (John 14:19). Because of that promise, my son lives as he has never lived before! And I am comforted.

BREVITY OF LIFE

"Lord, remind me how brief my time on earth will be. Remind me that my days are numbered - how fleeting my life is."                  Psalm 39:4 NLT


This day can't be repeated. We cannot go back and have a redo of our days to make up for what we may have lost, like opportunities to tell a loved one how much they mean to us or for accomplishing goals we let slip by. Perhaps we were rushed and didn't take the time to help someone or to be kind. Was there someone we needed to forgive, to make amends, and we chose not to?


There has been so many deaths lately of people we know or friends who have lost someone. Death is thought provoking. We are not promised tomorrow. We are not promised our next breath. Those who have experienced a sudden, unexpected loss of a loved one are very aware that life can change dramatically at any moment never to be the same again. Since this is my reality, I find myself thinking of life, death and heaven on a daily basis.


In my first book, there is a chapter entitled, "Death is a Teacher." The reality of our short span of life can teach us to make the most of every day, to set priorities and to trust in God. It gives perspective, compassion, and brings dependence of God and His ways which are above our ways. And the hard lesson: We are not in control of our destiny. If we allow it, many good lessons can come from the brevity of life. One is that is teaches us to focus our attention on what is most important and what really matters.


We are here "for such a time as this" (Esther 4:14). God has placed us in this century, in the area in which we live, and with the family we have. For what? Ephesians 2:10 NIV says, "For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do."
That's why we are here. Whether we acknowledge this or not it is clear: we are made for Christ and His purposes.


I want to get this life thing right. I have messed up enough, especially in my younger days, and learned life's lessons the hard way. I can't go back and redo that now. I can only learn from my mistakes that I have been forgiven for and go forward making the most of today.


It is thought that Solomon, one of the wisest men who ever lived, wrote Ecclesiastes in the Bible. He sums up life like this: "When all is said and done, here is the last word: worship in reverence the one True God, and keep His commands, for this is what God expects of every person" (Ecc.12:13-14 The Voice).


Time is running out. Let today be the first day of the rest of your life by allowing God, the one who gives you breath and life, to guide your every step.


"Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes."         James 4:14 NIV

COMPASSION

Since my husband and I are involved in the world of fishing, the missing angler in Florida has been all over my Facebook news feed. Struck by high waves, the angler was knocked out of the boat, as was his companion. The companion made it back to the boat and was treated for injuries and has now joined in the search for his friend. This was several days ago and rescue efforts have been unsuccessful.


How familiar parts of this horrible event is to my husband and me. We can't stop thinking about it. We pray for the angler to be found. We empathize with his waiting family. The compassion we feel is very strong and we do not even know these people, although we earnestly keep them in our thoughts and prayers.


Compassion is of God. He is the "Father of compassion and the God of all comfort" (2 Cor. 1:3).
The Word says to "be imitators of God" (Eph. 5:1). To copy His example. All through the New Testament we see Jesus' compassion to the brokenhearted (John 14:1-4), sick (physically and spiritually) (Luke 8:43-48, 19:1-10), diseased (Luke 17:11-19), and hungry (Mark 6:34-44) are just some examples.


So what does this mean for me if I am to imitate the Compassions of Jesus? I have asked God to give me eyes that see like He sees; grace and mercy to bestow as He does; and compassion like He provides. At times, I have found it unbearable, as in the occasion of the Florida toddler who was taken by an alligator. While I watched the news concerning this tragedy, I thought my heart would burst! What a horrible nightmare for those parents who witnessed that happening to their child. I was so overcome with compassion for this family, I asked God to take some of it away, it was too much to bear! It moved me to the point of writing the parents a letter and sending them my books in hope that through reading, they might gain a little comfort from a mom who had lost her precious adult child and relied on her God to comfort and console her heart. If the books would point these parents to Jesus for their comfort and strength, then to be overwhelmed by their tragic circumstance,  is worth very part of the sadness and sympathy.


Please join me in praying in the rescue efforts for the missing angler, Nik Kayler, and for the compassion and comfort of our great God and Savior to overwhelm them.


"The LORD is gracious and righteous; our God is full of compassion."  Psalm 116:5
"For the LORD comforts his people and will have compassion on his afflicted ones." Isaiah 49:13
"Because of the LORD'S great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail." Lam. 3:22
"This is what the LORD Almighty said: 'Administer true justice; show mercy and compassion to one another.'" Zechariah 7:9