SLEEPLESS NIGHTS


"Where is God my Maker, Who gives songs in the night." Job 35:10 NASB


I've had my share of them. Nights when you toss and turn and think and think. Time crawls as you watch the clock. It's too much. Life has become too much to bear. Too much to process. Too many questions with no answers. You try to face this on your own. Anxiousness overtakes you. Worry sets in. Your soul is disturbed. You have lost sight of the One who is your refuge. Your Shepherd. The Chief Shepherd who cares for all your needs. Where is the rest? Where is the peace? There is no more singing. Your song has long gone. Where are you, God?


"You must wait for Him....He does not take His eyes off the righteous." Job 35:14b & 7a
"Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10 This verse hangs on my wall right above my desk. It is a daily reminder that God is my strength and my source of courage. He enables me to go on; to endure even while the fires of sorrow are burning.


Hold fast to Him and don't let go. He will give you rest and a new song and you will again praise Him for His great love and compassion for you!


"I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God." Psalm 40:1-3NIV


"Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my savior and my God." Psalm 42:5NIV

April 8, 2017 - 8 Years

This Journey In Grief


April 8, 2017    -     8 Years






At the beginning of this journey in the loss of our son, we couldn't even imagine eight years. There were times we didn't know if we were going to live through the heartache and grief. To think about eight, ten or twenty years of life without our son was/is unimaginable. Who can possibly know what to expect in the long years ahead without their loved one? We've learned many things about grief in these last eight years. One important lesson is that we take one day at a time. At first, it was one moment at a time because we weren't sure if we would survive the day. And gradually, we got to one day at a time and the days start accumulating. One week. One month. Eight years. it sometimes seems surreal. Other times reality comes bursting through our hearts, uninvited, yet is has to come and with it the pain and harshness of its existence.




This is not how we planned our life would turn out, yet here we are. Standing over the casket of our child gave us no doubt that we were not in control. God is. And this is another lesson we've learned. In His sovereignty, His ways are not our ways, nor His thoughts ours. They are higher, deeper and He alone sees that massively large picture we yearn to see.


Another lesson: God's grace is sufficient in any and every circumstance we could imagine. His grace always has and always will be enough and that is how we progress from one moment to eight years.


There is no peace, inner joy, true strength and living lasting hope apart from Jesus. So if you are in grief and searching for this tranquility, even while grieving, Jesus is where you will find this. He is all in all.




We thank God for the twenty-two years of our son's life and the joy he brought to our home. I thought of twenty-two things I miss about my son that brings a smile and a tear. Good memories that bless us.


1. His presence
2. Hearing him call for "mom or dad"
3. His big, boisterous laugh and beautiful smile
4. Singing at church or in the boat while tying on fishing lures
5. His love for his grandparents
6. His smell
7. His big blue eyes and the excitement in them while telling of an adventure
8. Cooking his favorite foods: chicken & dumplings, corn casserole, hash brown casserole                  
     and cherry pie. All starches and he was thin as paper!
9. Playing board games and watching his eyes enlarge, a smile appear, and rubbing his hands together
     because he was going to make a big move and win
10.The feel of his hugs
11.Watching him prepare for a fishing or deer hunting trip
12.Having our talks about God, work, girls and life
13.Watching him carry on a conversation with others and admiring his ability to converse so well
14.Running and playing with the dogs
15.Playing golf and watching his beautiful swing
16.Just seeing him pull in the driveway to come home
17.Celebrating birthdays and holidays
18.The pride I felt from being his  mother (I'm still proud to be his mom)
19.His kindness toward others and his compassionate heart
20.The way he was with his first cousins (all girls) and aunts who doted on him because he was  the only boy in the family
21.His sense of humor
22.His excitement for life

HE KNOWS

                                                     


Lying in bed early one morning, I had the thought of not being able to write anymore. What if this feeling of numbness I was experiencing lasts the rest of my life and there is no more passion to write about the trials of grief or the emptiness of loss? What if I spend the rest of my days like a hollow shell with no emotion? What if the Lord is through using me on this subject? What if I forget? Forget that fresh grief? Forget what living with loss is? But how can this be, how could I possibly? It is now part of my existence.


I crawl out of bed and get some coffee. Too many "what ifs" this time of morning! Sitting at my desk, I feel uneasy about all these thoughts whirling in my head. I read a devotion from Nehemiah where he asks God to strengthen his hands. Then I just sit and stare. Psalms 18 came to mind, "I love you, O LORD, my strength. The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliver; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold." "You, O LORD, keep my lamp burning....." what does this mean? I had written a note at the bottom of this page and highlighted the footnote with this verse: "God causes his (my) life and undertakings to flourish." My note recorded; The LORD keeps me passionate for my God given work.


Here was my answer! I am amazed when God reveals to me that He knows my thoughts even while lying in bed early in the mornings. I think of Psalm 139, "O LORD, You have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; You perceive my thoughts from afar." YES!


I glance at a highlighted verse in the chapter before, "The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me."


Why do I so easily forget that Christ lives through me and that I don't have to live by my own efforts? I don't have to conjure up the strength and ability on my own when God has given me everything good for doing His will, (Heb.13:21)? And...He is able to do immeasurably more than I could ask or imagine according to his power that is at work within me, (Eph. 3:20).


Wow, that load just got lifted. Thank you Jesus for speaking to me through Your Word. So like Nehemiah ask, Lord, strengthen my hands, my heart and like King David ask, "Renew a steadfast spirit within me" (Psalm 51:10).

Awesome God

Yesterday my dad had surgery. While in his hospital room last night with my sister we were talking about the word awesome and how it is over used. Dad said, "Only God is truly awesome." We agreed.
I didn't think anything else about that until this morning when I was reading a devotion from Revelation.
It reads, "Then I saw a great white throne and him who was seated on it. Earth and sky fled from his presence, and there was no place for them" (20:11). I was overcome with the awesomeness of God! Earth and sky flees from His presence! Just His presence! One version says they try to hide from Him! How great is our God. He is KING of the universe. This God, in His almighty holiness, loves us so much that He sent His one and only Son to become  payment for our ugly, dirty, horrible, petty sins. What kind of love is this?

God is love.

In the next chapter is one of my favorite verses...."He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, and the old order of things has passed away" (Rev. 21:4). "Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down...."  today!

In The Morning

For years I have had Lamentations 3:21-23 highlighted in my Bible. It is very poetic and beautiful. Recently, these verses were part of my daily devotional. When I read them, they struck me like never before.
   
   "Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD'S great love we are not  
      consumed, for His compassion's never fail; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness."  

Jeremiah wrote these words during hard and difficult days of Jerusalem's destruction.  It was a time of great loss. Even in the darkest days, Jeremiah found hope in God. He reminded himself of the LORD'S great love.

Every morning during my devotions, I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him." (Lam. 3:24) Without this hope, what is the purpose of life? I must remind myself every day of this and if I do not start my day with God, I sense His urging and calling all day to come near to Him.

Oswald Chambers said, "Unless in the first waking moment of the day you learn to fling the door wide back and let God in, you will work on a wrong level all day." 
Some other verses from the Psalms, remind me that it is in the morning, at the first start of day, when we need to draw our strength from God.
  
   "Let the morning bring me word of Your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in You." (143:8)
   "In the morning, O Lord, You hear my voice. In the morning I lay my requests before You and
      wait in expectation." (5:3)
   "Satisfy us in the morning with Your unfailing love." (90:14)

When Moses was going to receive instructions from God in Exodus 34:2, the LORD told him to "Be ready in the morning, and then come up on Mount Sinai." Moses obeyed and met God there.

This day I was overwhelmed and needed the reminder that I have hope, that God meets with me in the morning, speaks through His word and reassures me of His love and faithfulness. He never leaves me or forsakes me.

"Give God the fresh blossom of the day. Never make Him wait until the pedals have faded."
                                                                                           .... ....    Streams in the Desert

Reminders

All I wanted was a child. After enduring health problems, surgery, and more health problems, it did happen. This little creation was my child, my baby. When the day finally arrived, I heard his soft cry—like a little lamb. I immediately wanted to hold my baby! But they rushed him away and I had to wait to see him. In my heart I kept saying, please hurry, I want my baby! Finally, they placed him in my arms, and yes, God, I heard you speak in my heart, “He’s My child.” I very clearly heard You and I had a choice to make. I knew what to do. I decided this: “He is Your child, God.  Thank You for him.” I prayed every day for that baby, little boy, teenager, young man, and every day You reminded me that he was Yours.

In my heart, I knew he was special and that You had unique plans for his life. I could not wait to see what you were going to do through him. Then You took him away from me!  My thoughts changed. What about those special plans? God, I prayed for him every day! I don’t understand! Wait! Don’t let this happen!

                                                              From: Peering Through a Mist

So many times, I have thought about the daily reminders God gave me when my son was alive. I really believed God reminded me daily that my son belonged to Him because I was going to witness those unique plans worked out in his life.  When, instead, his life was taken from him.

I remember the morning I was screaming out to God that I did not understand. What were You doing? Why would You do this to me, to him, to his dad? This did not make sense and I was angry, confused and suffering. I cried from the depths of my soul doubting everything I ever believed about God. How could He do this to us?

From somewhere within my heart, came the answer that quieted and comforted my anguished thoughts: I reminded you every day that your son belonged to Me, so that now, while you are grieving, you will be comforted knowing Gary belonged to Me. He is with Me. You will never have to worry about him again. He is safe. He is in My arms. He is loved. He is cared for, deeply. He is all right.

I am so often reminded that God’s ways are not our ways, nor are His thoughts, our thoughts. Before all my suffering, I had confidence that God worked in my life in ways I could understand. Now that understanding has been trampled down. However, this is not a bad thing. I have learned that in my grief and lack of knowledge over my circumstances, trust has grown in its place.  Moreover, my faith, which has been tested to the limit, is stronger than ever.  Oswald Chambers said, “Faith by its very nature must be tried, and the real trial of faith is not that we find it difficult to trust God, but that God’s character has to be cleared in our own minds. Faith in the Bible is faith in God against everything that contradicts Him—I will remain true to God’s character whatever He may do. ‘Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him.’”

The Love of a Mother

Mother’s Day. A bittersweet day for me. Bitter, because I am a childless mother. My son died three years ago this past Easter Sunday. He was my only child. Sweet, because I know he is in heaven and this gives me peace and hope. And sweet because my mother is still living and I have her to love and cherish.

It is only fitting that Mother’s Day falls directly after Easter. While reading the Scripture for Passion Week leading up to Easter, I once again became intensely grateful of God’s love for me. No one on earth can possibly love us as God love us. The only way I can even try to comprehend His love is by comparing it to a Mother’s love. How deeply a mother loves her children! We will go that extra mile, give our last ounce of energy, and sacrifice whatever we need, all for our children. Although we would do anything and everything we could for their well-being, we are simply not humanly capable of meeting every need and sometimes we mess up.  However, Jesus is able. Philippians 4:19 says, “And my God will meet ALL your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.”

When Mary and Joseph took Jesus to the temple, they met Simeon who took Jesus into his arms and said to Mary, “This child is destined to cause the falling and rising of many in Israel, and to be a sign that will be spoken against, so that the thoughts of many hearts will be revealed. And a sword will pierce your own soul too.” God was preparing Mary for what was to come. As the child Jesus grew, Mary prepared him for life. She nurtured Him, loved Him, met His physical and spiritual needs as best she could and lived her life pleasing to God the Father.

Is that not what godly mothers do? We love our children so much that we want to do everything we can to bring them up right. This is how we prepare them for life. But have you ever considered this training is also preparing them for death? What better way to show love to our children than to love God, and teach them His ways? This is one of the greatest responsibilities given to parents. In Deuteronomy 6, it says to “love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.” To impress this on your children. To talk about God and His ways when you sit at home and when you walk along the road and when you lie down and when you get up. In other words,……..always.

In my book, “Peering Through A Mist, A mom’s journey in loss and God’s grace,” I talk of how seeing the movie, The Passion of the Christ, made me more aware and grateful of Christ’s love for me. Seeing that movie also brought out such compassion for Mary. She had to watch her son being tortured, beaten and spat upon and I wondered how she could ever bear seeing that. My compassion for Mary turned to empathy, when I suffered the loss of my own son. I had not watched the movie since my son’s death and hesitated to do so, but had an evening alone the week of Easter and chose to watch it again.

There is a scene in the movie where Jesus is carrying His cross and the crowds are pressing in. The disciple John takes Mary to where she can get close to her Son. Right before Jesus gets to the place where Mary is, she falls back and takes her eyes away, not knowing if she can bear the sight. While she is agonizing on this, Jesus comes in view and collapses under the weight of the cross. Mary’s mind goes back to a time when Jesus was a small boy. The scene is in slow motion. He is playing, when He falls and cries out. Mary stops everything to run after Him making sure He is not hurt. When she reaches Him, she takes Him in her arms and says, “I’m here, I’m here.” When her mind comes back to reality, she hears her adult Son fall and cry out. With passionate, powerful, motherly love she rushes to His side, wraps her arms around Him, and says, “I’m here, I’m here.”

What great love a mother has for her children! And yet to know our God loves us so much more!!

Everything I did as a mother to prepare my son for life mainly prepared him for death.

If you are a mother, will someday become a mother, or have a living mother, cherish that relationship. As my son’s life has shown, life is short. We do not know what tomorrow brings. How quickly the days fly away. Love like this is your last day.