Hard to Swallow

Been thinking about this all week. It was our Scripture in small group Sunday morning. "James and John....came to (Jesus). "Teacher...we want you to do for us whatever we ask." "What do you want me to do for you?" He asked.
They replied, "Let one of us sit at your right and the other at your left in your glory." Mark 10:35-37. James and John were close to Jesus and yet sometimes they were spiritually dull. They, and others, had in their minds that Jesus was going to become a physical king, and out of their pride wanted to have power with Him. Totally oblivious to what they are asking, Jesus tells them so. "You don't know what you are asking." However, James and John think they understand and answer accordingly.


After Jesus death, burial and resurrection and Pentecost, Jesus words became clear and James and John would follow Him the rest of their lives. James being the first disciple to be martyred and John being exiled to the island of Patmos and the last of the twelve disciples to die.


How ironic that just a few verses following this request by James and John we have blind Bartimaeus shouting to Jesus for mercy. Here is a man who sat just outside the city gates, begging everyday. When he heard Jesus was coming, he started shouting for Him. "Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!" Blind Bartimaeus knows who Jesus is. "Son of David" is a Messianic title and Bart knew Jesus, being the Messiah, could heal him. Out of his desperation to see, and in humbleness of his heart he cries out for mercy. There's no pride here, just a great need for Jesus' healing. And Jesus asked him the same question He had asked James and John. "What do you want me to do for you?" Bartimaeus response - "I want to see." Immediately, immediately Jesus healed him, "and followed Jesus along the road."


Different requests. Same question. Different responses.


Jesus asks, "What do you want me to do for you?"


I've been thinking about my prayer life and being more specific in my requests. What do I want Jesus to do for me? I know that His word says if we ask anything in His name and His will, we have what we ask for (John 14). And if we delight ourselves in Him, He will give us the desires of our hearts (Psalm 37). These desires however, must come from God and be His desires first. And when we love Him and are surrendered to Him, His desires become our desires.
Amazing, but Biblically true.


Bartimaeus asked out of his great need. Sometimes God takes us to a place of desperation because that is the only way we will come to Him. When disasters hit this country, Americans turn to God. They start praying. They attend church. Then slowly, things get better and the desperation wears off. It wears off because they felt they only needed God for a little while.


In this country, we are so rich and blessed and self-sufficient, we do not realize our great need of a Savior. We want to do our own thing, our own way, and be committed to ourselves. We are deceived into thinking we are okay, when in reality, we are "wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked" (Revelation 3:17) Not my words, Jesus words and right before He said this, He told them they were lukewarm, "neither hot nor cold - I am about to spit you out of my mouth." Whew! Hard to swallow those words.


There is no fear of God anymore. If there was, we would be like blind Bart begging for mercy. I wish there was no need for this verse in 2 Chronicles 7:14, but since it's there, tells me we are not doing these things. "If my people (the Christians!) who are called by my name (Christians!) will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land."


Life is not about us. Life is about Him. That is why we are here. He is our purpose. He is our life.


What do I want You to do for us? Jesus, I'm begging. Please have mercy.

10th Year. A Resurgence of Sorts

Resurgence. This word came up in a book I was reading. I don't hear this word much but it has stuck in my mind ever since. It means, "a rising again into life, activity."


I think back to ten years ago. I will never forget the phone call - the call no one ever wants to receive: our son's boat had been found parked on the lake bank with the engine running and he was not in it.


And the nightmare began.


The whirlwind of my heart and mind started thinking of all the different scenarios that could, or could not be going on. My first thought was that my son had parked his boat on the bank and gone turkey hunting. No. The person who called 911 saw his unmanned boat on the other side of the lake. Then the next thought; he's injured and lying on a bank. No. We all searched for him. Following; someone has done something to him. No. There was no evidence of that. The unavoidable last and worst thought; he drowned. Please God, No! I hate that word drown. I hate death. I hate sin which causes all those words I hate.


I think about all the people God has placed in our path since that horrible day and the losses they have incurred. They have words they hate too: Cancer. Suicide. Care wreck. Murder. Etc. And when someone who hasn't experienced one of these tragedies uses the hated word in an illustrative or sometimes flippant manner, we cringe. For instance; we had a speaker at church one evening using the overhead screen. He used my hated word in an illustration about those who are "drowning in debt," "drowning in sin," and the picture that was displayed on the screen was a hand coming out of the water.


I don't know to this day why I didn't just get up and walk out. The torture my mind was envisioning was more than I could bear. The use of my hated word was more than I could stand.


Death, and I believe especially the death of a child, changes everything. It has changed our thought process, our emotions, our perceptions, the way we live, and it has changed our faith. And the odd thing about tragedy and loss when given to God and trusting Him to help us, He will use it for His glory all the while strengthening us to go on. It's really astonishing in hindsight of how He has worked in our life.


There is a "Resurgence of sorts" to these areas of our life and even beyond. There was a time in the first couple of years after our son passed away that I didn't see a resurgence of anything. I wanted to die. The grief was too much to bear. But I held on desperately to my only hope, Jesus. There are times even now when I'm not feeling a resurgence of anything and I just want to be alone and dwell in my sadness. However, God is always working on my behalf, and yours, and He uses the good times as well as the sad times.


In the resurgence of our thought process, we are now so keenly aware of the brevity of life. We do not know if we will awaken each morning or if by the end of the day we will still be here. We just don't know. Our son had plans for the evening, plans for the weekend. He had plans. We can make our plans, but God has the final say. So, we should live each day as if it were our last.


Our emotional resurgent state of mind and heart has become so much more compassionate. We feel deeply for someone else going through a life-altering tragedy. We love more, care more, and are moved intensely over situations causing grief and loss and we want to share with them the comfort God has brought to us.


There are so many things in life not worth getting worked up over and these things become so obvious when a child dies. Perspective instantly increases. Everything goes into perspective. Everything.


Ed and I have been amazed at the people God has placed in our lives and the opportunities He has given us. We have witnessed the impossible (in our minds, but not with God) being worked out through us. Faith grows stronger when we give our heartaches, our lack of understanding, our sorrows to Jesus. He is the Man of sorrows and pain, acquainted with grief (Isaiah 53:3), whose grace is sufficient in every and all circumstances (2 Corinthians 12:9). It is through difficulties, hardships, and our weaknesses that God can reveal Himself in ways that were never known before our loss. Sorrow can grow your faith. He is the strength, comfort, and peace we desperately need and that He alone can give.


We can say we have experienced a resurgence of life because of our loss. A resurgence we would probably have never known otherwise. We would have wanted to experience this growth while enjoying our son still with us. However, that is not reality. Sometimes reality is hard to live with. The pain is still with us. The loss is felt every minute of every day. We are lonely without our son and the future he might have had. It is a loneliness that is not understood except for the very few who are in the same place we are. Our hearts hurt for the "might have been."


I cling to Isaiah 40:31, "Those who trust in the LORD will find new strength." Another version say "regain their strength." I think of it this way: Those who trust (wait for, expect, look for, and hope in) the Lord will find a "Resurgence of Strength." "They will lift up their wings (and rise up close to God) like eagles (rising toward the sun); They will run and not become weary, They will walk and not grow tired." (Amp)

On Hearing the Screams

"In my distress I called upon the LORD, And cried to my God for help; He heard my voice out of His temple, And my cry for help before Him came into His ears." Psalm 18:6 NASB




Often I have thought about the times we were at the park while our son was practicing with the midget football team.
For four years, during the late summer and fall, we were at the park, three to four times per week, practicing. The park was a busy place. There were kids playing on the playground, joggers and walkers on the pathways, basketball games, soccer games, baseball games and the midget team having practice.


I usually took advantage of the time while there and would walk the pathway with a friend. One beautiful afternoon, I was quite a distance away and up a hill from where the team was practicing, when I heard a child scream. Now there were kids everywhere playing, but I knew immediately that  my son was the one who screamed. I turned and hurriedly headed back in the direction where practice was taking place and learned my son had broken his arm at the shoulder.


I knew his scream. He was my own and I recognized it among all the other sounds and voices going on at the park, even at a distance.


God hears His very own children as if they were the only ones on earth. we have His 100% undivided attention at all times and above all the noise and confusion down here.  He loves us so much and cares about what is going on in our lives. Whatever is going on does not escape His notice. Holding us through all circumstances of our lives, He is in control of everything and that includes what happens to us.


As much as we love our children, He loves them more. I have held on to Psalm 18 for comfort, strength and to know God is always with me. I'm thankful we have the Psalms written by those in distress, depression, trouble, dire straits, good times and in bad. They are as relatable today as they were when written. Verse 6 from this Psalm is translated from cry to scream in another version. "In my distress I screamed to the Lord for his help." Sometimes scream just seems more fitting for the circumstance.


My former small group leader, who now resides in heaven, told me when I was in great distress, to "camp out in the Psalms." What great advice he gave me.


In your distress, cry out to the Lord. He hears and knows it's you. Somewhat like a mother who hears her child in distress and runs to help him, your good heavenly Father is always with you, always available for you, and wants more than anything to come to your aid.

October 27, 2018

I Will feel

I remember the early days, months and the first few years after losing my son. I didn't know what to do with all the pain and confusion, the new emotions that were a constant in my heart. Having never experienced anything so horrible, how could I figure out what to do and then try to deal according to how the emotions came, when they came and where they came?

How they came was like a held back flood, then the dam breaks. I remember one day stomping my feet and screaming, “No, No, No!” I hated the separation and wanted to change all that had happened. Go back in time. But I couldn’t.

When they came was random. Like standing in the grocery store and picking up chocolate marshmallow ice cream (your favorite) then remembering you are not here anymore to enjoy it. Not a good sight.

Where they came was a guess. I could never anticipate a trigger of those horrible emotions. I remember seeing someone with your likeness, so much it was uncanny, and I couldn’t take my eyes off him. I’m sure he thought I was weird but I kept staring. Then I lost it. I just wanted you.

Although for the first few years I wanted these awful feelings to go away, at some point something changed. I wanted to feel them. Strange, I know. After asking God for years to take them away, now I’m asking to let me keep feeling them, let them stay.

As I was reading in Lamentations 3 this morning from a version I’d never read it from before, I thought how much like grief these down and up words are.  

          “Grievous thoughts of affliction and wandering plagued my mind – great bitterness
            and gall. Grieving, my soul thinks back; these thoughts cripple, and I sink down. 
            Gaining hope, I remember and wait for this thought: How enduring is God’s loyal love;
            the Eternal has inexhaustible compassion. Here they are, every morning, new! Your faithfulness
            God, is as broad as the day. Have courage, for the Eternal is all that I will need. My soul boasts,
            ‘Hope in God; just wait.’”

When I sink down into the lowest, deepest depths, then I can have hope and remember God’s great love and mercies.
He has all I (we) need. 

So, I will feel and keep feeling because it is then that I see all the ways the Lord has helped me through and is leading me to keep looking up, having courage and depending on Him, and go out to help someone else  who is trying to reconcile all the different emotions running through their hearts and souls.

HANG ON!

In this crazy time that we live in, I have met and known many people who are struggling. Their struggles are life altering. Some are in depression and despair. Others have problems that seem unsolvable. And there are those just battling to keep their life together. Whether it’s physical, mental, emotional, financial or whatever, we all have needs and some are greater than others.

I think of many of the Psalms that were written from David’s sufferings. I think of Paul in the New Testament who endured horrible conditions, situations and a “thorn” he wanted rid of.

Both men knew from where their strength came. Even though Paul’s thorn was not taken away, and David continued throughout his life to write from his sufferings, they both praised and worshipped their Savior.

I have found in my own loss the Lord’s comfort and peace. Although my situation can’t be changed, He has blessed me beyond measure. Even though there are times when I feel depressed and long for things to be different, I know they cannot, so I keep hanging on to my faith and my God.

Right after Jesus cleared out the people selling in the temple, He made the statement that His house would be a house of prayer. The religious leaders were trying to kill Him but they “could not find a way to do it.” Why? Because “All the people stayed close to Him and were hanging on to every word He said” (Luke 19:48)

Although your earthly future may not look good, if you are a child of the King, you know how your future will turn out. It is glorious beyond comprehension. In the meantime, don’t lose heart but hang on to Jesus and His words. Trust Him that He holds your life in His hands and He is always working on your behalf. Stay close to Him and pour out your heart. He hears, He knows, He’s real and He is your living Savior.

Hang on! Keep faithful. God is with you and He is for you.

My Momma

She's a little lady, my mom, about five feet two inches and 125 pounds, (sorry for telling your weight), red headed and full of life. she grew up in Maryville, went to Everett High school and then to Carson Newman where she met my dad. It was her red hair that attracted him at first. She graduated with a degree in Home Economics. I'm sure her good cooking, first taught by her mother and then skills learned at school, also lured my dad in.


From as far back as I can remember, my mom was always busy, never idle. As a matter of fact, my two sisters and I have a joke about how we cannot sit down because we think we have to be doing something productive. Even if we do sit down, there needs to be something to work on while we sit. That idea is ingrained in us.


I never heard her take issue with anything my dad wanted to do; like where to vacation; how their house was to be built; even small things like where to go eat. She always considered his ideas above her own (we girls didn't get that trait). Mom and dad have hiked thousands of recorded miles in the Smokies and all over the United States.


When I was in kindergarten and for the next several years, she owned and operated a day care. She would leave at 6:30am, come home at lunch to prepare our four course, homemade dinner with food she had canned or frozen during the summer, go back to work until 6:30pm. Then she would heat up our delicious meal. After the daycare, she went back to school to be certified to teach reading where she taught for years in the county system. Being a seamstress, she made most of our clothes and even now keeps sewing projects going. Her paintings reveal that she is also an artist. Her creativity has kept her busy and also instilled in us girls that same desire.


Growing up, we camped all over the United States. I remember dad and us girls having fun while mom continued to cook us great meals and keep everything together. Not that she didn't enjoy those times, because she did, it was just her way. A good woman travels across the US in a pop-up camper with three whiney girls!


I've watched her involvement at church, helping and contributing to her church family to this day. Our parents had us there every Sunday and Wednesday and everything in between. Our whole life we watched her be considerate of others, helping the needy, forgiving, loving and caring. We learned from example.


As I look back, I see the strength that she has had her whole life. I didn't appreciate some of their parenting ways until I became a parent myself. My mom cares deeply for her children, her grandchildren, and her great grandchild without partiality. And when her parents were unable to care for themselves, she cared for them. She remains a faithful and loving wife who is now caring for her love of 63 years.


I could go on and on about my amazing mother but I think Proverbs 31 sums it all up. She is ALL that it says and I want to thank and honor her on this mother's day for loving God, her parents, her husband, her children,  her grandchildren, and her great grandchild.
"Her children rise up and call her blessed (happy, prosperous, to be admired); Her husband also, and he praises her."
Proverbs 31:28


Happy Mother's Day, Momma. I love you!

Ninth Year: A Tribute To Fishermen

I started out writing about our journey over the last nine years in the loss of our son. Things like what we have been through, how we have endured, where we are now, but as I sat at my desk looking at the picture staring back at me of my son holding a huge bass, my thought process changed. What would Gary want me to write about on this 9th anniversary of his home going? I knew the answer right away:  Fishermen


Oh how our son loved to fish! It all started when Ed took him to a pond at a very young age where he caught a mega bass. He was hooked - pun intended. Seemed like no matter where he fished, he always caught something. When he was still in elementary school, he had permission to fish a small pond behind our house. It took about five minutes and out came a 10lb.+ catfish! I have a great memory from that day and pictures to prove it's not just a fish tale.


I'm so thankful that we have so many good memories of our son. What a blessing that is to us when we reminisce. One of the things Ed said he missed most about Gary was hearing his dramatic hunting and fishing stories. His enthusiasm was catching.


How proud and excited Gary would be to fish in a tournament like the very one in his memory. The first tournament in 2009, was  less than three months after his passing. There were 131 boats, around 260 fishermen who came to support his memory. The sight of them meant more to us than they will ever realize and brings tears to my eyes even now. The tournaments since have been tremendous because of  their support.. The word "support" in the dictionary can mean to give help or assistance; to show that you agree or approve; to promote a cause; even to comfort. But my favorite part of this word derives from a synonym: Champion. During the three day search for our son, there were fishermen, Gary's friends and acquaintances who were out in their boats using depth finders to help with the search. I have such a special place in my heart for fishermen. Champions in my eyes.


Jesus loves fishermen. He handpicked four to be His disciples, three of whom were closest to Him: Peter, James and John. Andrew was also a fisherman. He was continually bringing others to Jesus. Jesus related to these guys in fishing terms: "I will make you fishers of men" (Matthew 4:19). The parable of the net (Matthew 13:47-52).  In Matthew 17:24-27, Jesus had Peter go fishing for the temple tax where he found the necessary coin in the mouth of the first fish he caught. After Jesus Resurrection, there was a miraculous catch of fish, then breakfast of fish. At times, Jesus taught from standing in the fishermen's boat. Yes, I believe Jesus has a special place in His heart for fishermen. He used these fishing illustrations and visuals in ways they could understand and know Him better. It is a wise and brave fisherman who launches their boat out into the waters of faith for Jesus' sake.


We love and miss our fisherman more than words can express. We know we will see him again because Jesus promised that, and "The yes to all of God's promises is in Christ" (2 Corinthians 1:20 ERV). So this is a comfort to us. Still, it doesn't take the pain away from the here and now. The longing for his presence, his voice, his laughter, his smell, and just to have a simple conversation with him is at times overwhelming. 


Being in the fishing world there are just some things you know: The waters may not always be smooth - storms will arise. When they do, your Anchor is Jesus. If He is in your boat, you can endure the storm. You will have a safe landing whether it be here on earth or finally in heaven. You can't lose either way. Thank you Jesus for fishermen.