Mourning Doves

Sitting at my desk at five in the morning it is quite, very quite. The only sound is a clock ticking. My thoughts are not quite. I read my Bible and desire so much for God to speak to me through His Word. I'm listening in the quietness. I realize in the background, there's a mourning dove cooing outside my window. He's been at it sometime but I just really started paying attention. I wonder what he is saying this early, while it's still dark outside.


Doves are resilient. Although they are the most hunted bird for their meat, they have the ability to retain their population. The doves' sorrowful sound of "woo-oo-oo" evoke a feeling of grief over the loss of a loved one. I witnessed a dove mourning once. He was sitting on the electrical wire over my drive-way. He kept cooing all day. I finally walked over to where he was above me. Then I understood. Doves mate for life. His mate lay dead on the ground above the line where he sat mourning for her. Isaiah 38:14 says, "I cried like a bird and moaned like a dove. My eyes became tired, but I continued looking to the heavens. Lord, I am so depressed. Promise to help me."


Doves are also used as symbols and to bring a positive message. During the flood, Noah sent out a dove to look for dry ground and the dove returned with an olive leaf bringing hope that the flood was receding.  When Jesus was baptized, the Spirit of God descended like a dove on Him symbolizing the Holy Spirit and as one of the figures of the Trinity. Doves have also been thought of as a symbol of peace.


A doves cooing seems to help sooth a hurting heart over the death of a loved one. I know a man who after losing his son, was sitting on his porch when a dove landed beside him, cooing, as if to say, I mourn with you.


After these thoughts, I open a devotional and read over it. Wait.... what did that say? I re-read it; "My heart is in anguish within me......I said, 'Oh, that I had the wings of a dove! I would fly away and be at rest. I would flee far away and stay in the desert; I would hurry to my place of shelter, far from the tempest and storm'"  ( From Psalm 55). Wow, God. You are speaking through a bird cooing and a Scripture verse!


I get that Scripture verse and I understand what David is saying. How many times have I wanted to go find reclusion from the world and hide-out! I have, at times, wanted to be alone with my grief and anguish. Times when I didn't have to be around anyone, or to face any demands of life. I think we all get to a point where we need to "get-away" and rest. Even Jesus saw the importance of this and required His disciples to do the same: "Come with Me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest" (Mark 6:31). It's necessary for a while. However, we can't stay there. Life calls. Even if we could "hide-out," "fly-away," from family and friends it isn't emotionally, mentally or spiritually healthy to be alone for long periods. We need each other.


I was forced to come away from my reclusion. I didn't want to, but it was necessary. I can see now how that actually helped me in my grief to allow others to minister to me. Also, to get my mind occupied on something beside my circumstances for a time. But most importantly, to let the grace of God be seen coming through my life. God was/is working His grace out in my life. Others need to see Jesus working in us.


Usually getting away is short-lived because there is always work to be done. Jesus' time alone was always short because there were so many needy people seeking Him out. His compassion for those people overrode his need for reclusion. Thank God for that and thank Him that He still has compassion on us and meets our needs. He's not "hiding out" somewhere.


My favorite place is the mountains. That's where I go to be alone and get some rest. Ed and I have a special place in the mountains where we love to "Fly away" and rest. It's our sanctuary.


In the last part of Psalm 55, David said, "Cast your cares on the LORD and He will sustain you." Sustain means: to give support or relief to; to supply with sustenance; Nourish; To support the weight of. Peter says something of the same, "Casting all your cares all your anxieties, all your worries, and all your concerns, once and for all on Him, for He cares about you with deepest affection, and watches over you very carefully" (1 Peter 5:7)AMP.




Maybe we should be more like doves...being strong and resilient after bad things happen through the grace and strength of the Lord, consoling the hurting and offering hope. Lasting hope can only be found in the One to whom the dove like descended: Jesus. He gives peace; the kind that passes all understanding.

Time To Fish

It's time to fish! The 11th Annual Gary Lindsey Memorial Benefit Firecracker Fishing Tournament is upon us. For Ed and I, it's a time to reflect on the past ten years of our life and the tournaments. Our grief hasn't gone away. It's changed. We will never be "over" it. Our loss is a life-long loss that has changed our lives, our plans, our hopes and our dreams. We've had to re-define all that.....find new plans, new dreams, and a different way of life. It's not what we would have chosen, but what has been given for purposes beyond our comprehension. Beyond what we can see.


We talk about this often, and how even though our hearts still hurt, we have been blessed in many ways. God is a good, good Father. Jesus told us in John 16:33 that we would have trouble in this world. We were never promised an easy life, an easy path. But Jesus also said He had overcome the world. He is our hope. He is our strength and our comfort. Life can be very hard, but Jesus is the Anchor.


The fishing tournament is one of the ways we have been immeasurably blest. I thank God every day for my son's life. I'm thankful for the twenty-two years and all the good memories. When we witness the fishermen and women who come and support this tournament, our hearts are warmed in ways we cannot explain. Fishing all night is not easy and yet, they come. They will never know how much they are appreciated.


The volunteers have been a topic of conversation between us also. They show up every year and know what to do, taking care of their area and we do not have to be concerned about how it's going to get done. They do it. They march in like reinforcements. What an awesome group of volunteers! We cannot begin to thank them enough or repay for all their hard work.


We understand the importance of those who sponsor and contribute by food, supplies or monetary gifts. They're the ones who make it possible to give back to our community so that helping others becomes a reality.


We can't say enough about our church family. After ten years they still support us in so many ways. They are like the believers in the book of Acts who encourage and uplift. In our eyes, they are champions. What and how do others make it without the support of  a local family of believers? We wouldn't know. What a blessing we have been given by their acts of kindness, prayers and care. "I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy." Philippians 1:3-4


Our own family's love, prayers and constant support has helped sustain us and the closeness we have is a bond that cannot be broken.


We still shed tears from our loss but also because our hearts are very grateful from the outpouring in all these many ways. Thank you doesn't seem to be enough, but we are thankful beyond measure.


Happy Fishing!

Hard to Swallow

Been thinking about this all week. It was our Scripture in small group Sunday morning. "James and John....came to (Jesus). "Teacher...we want you to do for us whatever we ask." "What do you want me to do for you?" He asked.
They replied, "Let one of us sit at your right and the other at your left in your glory." Mark 10:35-37. James and John were close to Jesus and yet sometimes they were spiritually dull. They, and others, had in their minds that Jesus was going to become a physical king, and out of their pride wanted to have power with Him. Totally oblivious to what they are asking, Jesus tells them so. "You don't know what you are asking." However, James and John think they understand and answer accordingly.


After Jesus death, burial and resurrection and Pentecost, Jesus words became clear and James and John would follow Him the rest of their lives. James being the first disciple to be martyred and John being exiled to the island of Patmos and the last of the twelve disciples to die.


How ironic that just a few verses following this request by James and John we have blind Bartimaeus shouting to Jesus for mercy. Here is a man who sat just outside the city gates, begging everyday. When he heard Jesus was coming, he started shouting for Him. "Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!" Blind Bartimaeus knows who Jesus is. "Son of David" is a Messianic title and Bart knew Jesus, being the Messiah, could heal him. Out of his desperation to see, and in humbleness of his heart he cries out for mercy. There's no pride here, just a great need for Jesus' healing. And Jesus asked him the same question He had asked James and John. "What do you want me to do for you?" Bartimaeus response - "I want to see." Immediately, immediately Jesus healed him, "and followed Jesus along the road."


Different requests. Same question. Different responses.


Jesus asks, "What do you want me to do for you?"


I've been thinking about my prayer life and being more specific in my requests. What do I want Jesus to do for me? I know that His word says if we ask anything in His name and His will, we have what we ask for (John 14). And if we delight ourselves in Him, He will give us the desires of our hearts (Psalm 37). These desires however, must come from God and be His desires first. And when we love Him and are surrendered to Him, His desires become our desires.
Amazing, but Biblically true.


Bartimaeus asked out of his great need. Sometimes God takes us to a place of desperation because that is the only way we will come to Him. When disasters hit this country, Americans turn to God. They start praying. They attend church. Then slowly, things get better and the desperation wears off. It wears off because they felt they only needed God for a little while.


In this country, we are so rich and blessed and self-sufficient, we do not realize our great need of a Savior. We want to do our own thing, our own way, and be committed to ourselves. We are deceived into thinking we are okay, when in reality, we are "wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked" (Revelation 3:17) Not my words, Jesus words and right before He said this, He told them they were lukewarm, "neither hot nor cold - I am about to spit you out of my mouth." Whew! Hard to swallow those words.


There is no fear of God anymore. If there was, we would be like blind Bart begging for mercy. I wish there was no need for this verse in 2 Chronicles 7:14, but since it's there, tells me we are not doing these things. "If my people (the Christians!) who are called by my name (Christians!) will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land."


Life is not about us. Life is about Him. That is why we are here. He is our purpose. He is our life.


What do I want You to do for us? Jesus, I'm begging. Please have mercy.

10th Year. A Resurgence of Sorts

Resurgence. This word came up in a book I was reading. I don't hear this word much but it has stuck in my mind ever since. It means, "a rising again into life, activity."


I think back to ten years ago. I will never forget the phone call - the call no one ever wants to receive: our son's boat had been found parked on the lake bank with the engine running and he was not in it.


And the nightmare began.


The whirlwind of my heart and mind started thinking of all the different scenarios that could, or could not be going on. My first thought was that my son had parked his boat on the bank and gone turkey hunting. No. The person who called 911 saw his unmanned boat on the other side of the lake. Then the next thought; he's injured and lying on a bank. No. We all searched for him. Following; someone has done something to him. No. There was no evidence of that. The unavoidable last and worst thought; he drowned. Please God, No! I hate that word drown. I hate death. I hate sin which causes all those words I hate.


I think about all the people God has placed in our path since that horrible day and the losses they have incurred. They have words they hate too: Cancer. Suicide. Care wreck. Murder. Etc. And when someone who hasn't experienced one of these tragedies uses the hated word in an illustrative or sometimes flippant manner, we cringe. For instance; we had a speaker at church one evening using the overhead screen. He used my hated word in an illustration about those who are "drowning in debt," "drowning in sin," and the picture that was displayed on the screen was a hand coming out of the water.


I don't know to this day why I didn't just get up and walk out. The torture my mind was envisioning was more than I could bear. The use of my hated word was more than I could stand.


Death, and I believe especially the death of a child, changes everything. It has changed our thought process, our emotions, our perceptions, the way we live, and it has changed our faith. And the odd thing about tragedy and loss when given to God and trusting Him to help us, He will use it for His glory all the while strengthening us to go on. It's really astonishing in hindsight of how He has worked in our life.


There is a "Resurgence of sorts" to these areas of our life and even beyond. There was a time in the first couple of years after our son passed away that I didn't see a resurgence of anything. I wanted to die. The grief was too much to bear. But I held on desperately to my only hope, Jesus. There are times even now when I'm not feeling a resurgence of anything and I just want to be alone and dwell in my sadness. However, God is always working on my behalf, and yours, and He uses the good times as well as the sad times.


In the resurgence of our thought process, we are now so keenly aware of the brevity of life. We do not know if we will awaken each morning or if by the end of the day we will still be here. We just don't know. Our son had plans for the evening, plans for the weekend. He had plans. We can make our plans, but God has the final say. So, we should live each day as if it were our last.


Our emotional resurgent state of mind and heart has become so much more compassionate. We feel deeply for someone else going through a life-altering tragedy. We love more, care more, and are moved intensely over situations causing grief and loss and we want to share with them the comfort God has brought to us.


There are so many things in life not worth getting worked up over and these things become so obvious when a child dies. Perspective instantly increases. Everything goes into perspective. Everything.


Ed and I have been amazed at the people God has placed in our lives and the opportunities He has given us. We have witnessed the impossible (in our minds, but not with God) being worked out through us. Faith grows stronger when we give our heartaches, our lack of understanding, our sorrows to Jesus. He is the Man of sorrows and pain, acquainted with grief (Isaiah 53:3), whose grace is sufficient in every and all circumstances (2 Corinthians 12:9). It is through difficulties, hardships, and our weaknesses that God can reveal Himself in ways that were never known before our loss. Sorrow can grow your faith. He is the strength, comfort, and peace we desperately need and that He alone can give.


We can say we have experienced a resurgence of life because of our loss. A resurgence we would probably have never known otherwise. We would have wanted to experience this growth while enjoying our son still with us. However, that is not reality. Sometimes reality is hard to live with. The pain is still with us. The loss is felt every minute of every day. We are lonely without our son and the future he might have had. It is a loneliness that is not understood except for the very few who are in the same place we are. Our hearts hurt for the "might have been."


I cling to Isaiah 40:31, "Those who trust in the LORD will find new strength." Another version say "regain their strength." I think of it this way: Those who trust (wait for, expect, look for, and hope in) the Lord will find a "Resurgence of Strength." "They will lift up their wings (and rise up close to God) like eagles (rising toward the sun); They will run and not become weary, They will walk and not grow tired." (Amp)

On Hearing the Screams

"In my distress I called upon the LORD, And cried to my God for help; He heard my voice out of His temple, And my cry for help before Him came into His ears." Psalm 18:6 NASB




Often I have thought about the times we were at the park while our son was practicing with the midget football team.
For four years, during the late summer and fall, we were at the park, three to four times per week, practicing. The park was a busy place. There were kids playing on the playground, joggers and walkers on the pathways, basketball games, soccer games, baseball games and the midget team having practice.


I usually took advantage of the time while there and would walk the pathway with a friend. One beautiful afternoon, I was quite a distance away and up a hill from where the team was practicing, when I heard a child scream. Now there were kids everywhere playing, but I knew immediately that  my son was the one who screamed. I turned and hurriedly headed back in the direction where practice was taking place and learned my son had broken his arm at the shoulder.


I knew his scream. He was my own and I recognized it among all the other sounds and voices going on at the park, even at a distance.


God hears His very own children as if they were the only ones on earth. we have His 100% undivided attention at all times and above all the noise and confusion down here.  He loves us so much and cares about what is going on in our lives. Whatever is going on does not escape His notice. Holding us through all circumstances of our lives, He is in control of everything and that includes what happens to us.


As much as we love our children, He loves them more. I have held on to Psalm 18 for comfort, strength and to know God is always with me. I'm thankful we have the Psalms written by those in distress, depression, trouble, dire straits, good times and in bad. They are as relatable today as they were when written. Verse 6 from this Psalm is translated from cry to scream in another version. "In my distress I screamed to the Lord for his help." Sometimes scream just seems more fitting for the circumstance.


My former small group leader, who now resides in heaven, told me when I was in great distress, to "camp out in the Psalms." What great advice he gave me.


In your distress, cry out to the Lord. He hears and knows it's you. Somewhat like a mother who hears her child in distress and runs to help him, your good heavenly Father is always with you, always available for you, and wants more than anything to come to your aid.

October 27, 2018

I Will feel

I remember the early days, months and the first few years after losing my son. I didn't know what to do with all the pain and confusion, the new emotions that were a constant in my heart. Having never experienced anything so horrible, how could I figure out what to do and then try to deal according to how the emotions came, when they came and where they came?

How they came was like a held back flood, then the dam breaks. I remember one day stomping my feet and screaming, “No, No, No!” I hated the separation and wanted to change all that had happened. Go back in time. But I couldn’t.

When they came was random. Like standing in the grocery store and picking up chocolate marshmallow ice cream (your favorite) then remembering you are not here anymore to enjoy it. Not a good sight.

Where they came was a guess. I could never anticipate a trigger of those horrible emotions. I remember seeing someone with your likeness, so much it was uncanny, and I couldn’t take my eyes off him. I’m sure he thought I was weird but I kept staring. Then I lost it. I just wanted you.

Although for the first few years I wanted these awful feelings to go away, at some point something changed. I wanted to feel them. Strange, I know. After asking God for years to take them away, now I’m asking to let me keep feeling them, let them stay.

As I was reading in Lamentations 3 this morning from a version I’d never read it from before, I thought how much like grief these down and up words are.  

          “Grievous thoughts of affliction and wandering plagued my mind – great bitterness
            and gall. Grieving, my soul thinks back; these thoughts cripple, and I sink down. 
            Gaining hope, I remember and wait for this thought: How enduring is God’s loyal love;
            the Eternal has inexhaustible compassion. Here they are, every morning, new! Your faithfulness
            God, is as broad as the day. Have courage, for the Eternal is all that I will need. My soul boasts,
            ‘Hope in God; just wait.’”

When I sink down into the lowest, deepest depths, then I can have hope and remember God’s great love and mercies.
He has all I (we) need. 

So, I will feel and keep feeling because it is then that I see all the ways the Lord has helped me through and is leading me to keep looking up, having courage and depending on Him, and go out to help someone else  who is trying to reconcile all the different emotions running through their hearts and souls.

HANG ON!

In this crazy time that we live in, I have met and known many people who are struggling. Their struggles are life altering. Some are in depression and despair. Others have problems that seem unsolvable. And there are those just battling to keep their life together. Whether it’s physical, mental, emotional, financial or whatever, we all have needs and some are greater than others.

I think of many of the Psalms that were written from David’s sufferings. I think of Paul in the New Testament who endured horrible conditions, situations and a “thorn” he wanted rid of.

Both men knew from where their strength came. Even though Paul’s thorn was not taken away, and David continued throughout his life to write from his sufferings, they both praised and worshipped their Savior.

I have found in my own loss the Lord’s comfort and peace. Although my situation can’t be changed, He has blessed me beyond measure. Even though there are times when I feel depressed and long for things to be different, I know they cannot, so I keep hanging on to my faith and my God.

Right after Jesus cleared out the people selling in the temple, He made the statement that His house would be a house of prayer. The religious leaders were trying to kill Him but they “could not find a way to do it.” Why? Because “All the people stayed close to Him and were hanging on to every word He said” (Luke 19:48)

Although your earthly future may not look good, if you are a child of the King, you know how your future will turn out. It is glorious beyond comprehension. In the meantime, don’t lose heart but hang on to Jesus and His words. Trust Him that He holds your life in His hands and He is always working on your behalf. Stay close to Him and pour out your heart. He hears, He knows, He’s real and He is your living Savior.

Hang on! Keep faithful. God is with you and He is for you.